Community is “noi not io”
Picture it! It’s summer 2023 in Sorrento, Italy and I’ve just arrived by car in one of the main squares. I’m to meet my landlady, 66-year-old Fabiola Fasulo, for the first time so I can check into my apartment. I have no idea what to expect. I travel with two large suitcases and I’m dreading dragging these tanks down the cobblestone streets, plus it’s like 90 degrees. MAMA MIA!
As the car approaches the square, there she is, all 100 lbs. or so of her, intently waving and smiling like I’ve known her for years, like I was family. Within seconds of making eye contact through the glass window, my door swings open, she wraps her arms around me, grabs my hands, looks deeply into my eyes, and says “Anna! Welcome to Sorrento! Ok. Now I take you to the house I was born in.” She confidently grabbed the handles of both of my bags and began gracefully charging through the sea of tourists down the cobblestone streets.
I knew at that moment the words “I can’t” didn’t exist in Fabiola’s vocabulary.
Fabiola is like coming home. This summer, I asked to stay again in her apartment. So here I am writing from her kitchen table in the home where she grew up. In fact, I interviewed Fabiola a few days ago at this same table, for this week’s AMC Quest for Community Newsletter.
When I, a stranger she’d never met, arrived at her apartment in 2023, there was fresh fruit, cold water and juice waiting for me in the fridge. The home was (and still is) impeccably clean. I was so grateful. The minute we lugged my bags down the streets and up the stairs, she looked at me and said, “Ok. Now we sit and talk for a minute.”
She explained to me that she had a professional career in tourism for roughly 40 years in Sorrento and that she was now retired. She casually mentioned that she speaks three languages. She also lit up when showing me photos of her new baby grandson, living in Milan. Grandchildren are the center of the world for Italian nonnas. She asked about me and my life. It was clear that she knew the definition of hospitality and the business of people. That meeting is still one of my fondest memories.
SENSE OF FAMILY
This summer when I asked Fabiola what her idea of authentic community is here in Italy, she so naturally responded with, “We have the sense of the family.” She believes the smaller the community, the deeper the connection, “The sense of community is stronger in small places where everybody knows each other because they start from a common root.”
SHARE SIMPLE EXPERIENCES
More importantly, to achieve community, Fabiola says you must make time to share simple experiences. “The meaning is to share the experience, to share basic experience. To spend a few hours to speak about our life, just to learn a bit more about our private lives. I stay in touch weekly even with the mobile and texting. I try to organize something in my home on my terrace. Every Sunday with my family and if not every two weeks. I want to spend my time with them. When we get older we want to spend time and share this experience.”
After Fabiola said this I thought, how often do we, regularly, as Americans, schedule time to create community with other people, without a motive or an intentional outcome for that meeting? Do we even allow ourselves to get lost in time in the genuine human exchange, as I call it? Also, are we patient enough to listen to the “little” things that make up our individual life experiences? Are we too tired because of our typical day-to-day demands? How can employers adjust?
HELP ANYBODY AT ANYTIME
I’m learning that there is an unspoken, generational agreement here in southern Italy. These people ask for help and help one another. It’s in their DNA to “show up” for one another. “I think that the first thing about community is that you are going to help anybody at any time. This is especially important when someone has a problem, a job problem, a health problem. There is always someone that is offering to help to organize. If you have to go to the hospital, they offer to drive you there, they offer to stay with you. If you are having trouble with a job, they are asking! There is a good person searching for a job. But also money. If someone in my community wants money, I give them my money. I don’t want my money back.” This signaled to me that there is a true loyalty.
This reveal is consistent with trust research conducted by Dr. Brene Brown. Brown believes we must be comfortable asking for help in order to achieve a confident sense of self-trust. The Italian people are comfortable asking for help because they are naturally willing to give it when the time comes. We need more of this, in business (and in society!) We don’t have to do it all on our own. It’s ok to ask for help! If you’re someone who doesn’t naturally give or ask for help, I challenge you to consciously reflect on why you don't.
IT’S ABOUT RESPECT AND “NOI NOT IO”
As our conversation continued, Fabiola did reveal that she fears for the younger Italian generations. After a robust career in hospitality and raising three children she’s observed a shift in social Italian behaviors. Fabiola believes the younger people are much more focused on their personal lives, rather than making time to put other people and the elder generation first. “We always spoke noi now it’s io. There was a deeper and richer respect for the older people. Now it’s not that way,” said Fabiola. “Noi” in Italian means we, “io” translates to I. She recalls a time when younger people understood the significance of the elder generations, and that it was compulsory to learn from the older people as a sort of circle of life. I must say, I agree with her on this. I learned about goodness and the heart of life from my Italian grandparents as mentioned here.
This raises the question about older generations and how we as an American society compartmentalize them. Of course, it’s important to foster the future and invest in our younger generations, but there’s a portion of society that tends to silo the elder generations as “finished” or past due. That doesn’t make sense to me, because people from a more sophisticated generation have rich life experiences. Let’s make this a common conversation in business! Why treat this conversation as taboo?
In closing, Fabiola, it's a pleasure to know you as both a friend and someone who feels like family. I am richer in spirit and expertise for this experience and I know my readers will be too. If you'd like to reach out to Fabiola her email is: fabiola_ff@libero.it
Our AMC 3 C's Mindful Communication Model™, Consciousness, Communication, Community, is an innovative, research-based model that changes the professional development playing field. At AMC we're normalizing consciousness in professional society and encouraging mindfulness so that over time we can implement effective communication practices that help us generate longevity in business communities.
As mentioned here, AMC is on a mission to explore the dynamics of authentic Italian community to start a profound movement within international corporate company cultures. Stay with me on this summer-long journey. For example, if these newsletters spark good conversations among your teams - write to me, tell me what happened!
Grazie mille a tutti. Arrivederci!
Mindfully Speaking,
Anna Michele Bulszewicz
Founder, Anna Michele Communications